During this winter season I had “to get upon my knees and ask god to see me” to let me know I’m worthy to be loved by those that I love. I asked the universe to show me affection the way I’ve tried to hand out favor to others. Not only is the winter plagued with holidays like Thanksgiving and Kwanzaa, but right after the New Years celebration is my birthday. “I put a brave face on,” during this time of year, because it is difficult to get through. The holiday season and my birthday “are killing me”. It’s a lonely time. I’ve always been a bit of a loaner. At this point, I can’t really tell if I’m a self imposed renegade or if I’m just not the type that melds well with others (I can be defensive); I do think it’s the latter.
And now I travel for a living and now I’m almost 28. And now more than ever connection is important — romantic or platonic. I’ve most definitely hit that age where seeing brothers with babies, cousins engaged, friends with “new home signs”, and hearing mothers ask when are you gonna settle down fucks with your psyche. I know everyone’s path is different and I know not to rush into anything with anyone for the sake of having something, but I can hear the voices of these animals in my head poking and prodding at me like “Nigga, when you gonna get this shit together.”
I haven’t tried to fuck the Birthday Blues away; I’m pleased by that.
I remember (well I think it was) 2011 when I was at OutWrite Book store in Atlanta, Ga off Piedmont and 10th (which is not defunct and has been replaced by a restaurant by name of that same intersection) with a close friend for the book signing and discussion of When Love Takes Over, Darian Aaron‘s first book. I stood up all of 22 years old with a moderate fashion sense and asked something of the sort:
I’m getting up in age. It seems after 27 black gay men aren’t finding love. Should I just settle down with a boy I’m gonna meet now? I’m almost expired.
The older gentleman in the crowd, well above 27, laughed at the notion of my ridiculous claim.
But your late 20s feel like quick sand. And just when you’ve mediated and you think you’ve found peace and understanding. You slip a little more and your faith in yourself and your future and your abilities are tested (mostly internally). Maybe I’m still too young to understand myself. I need to find the space where I can see myself in a positive light without achieving the labels of “cuffed” for the holidays or the “successful” son who can host Thanksgiving dinner, because when I do this I think I my life will naturally expand to include the things that I’ve worked for and are meant for me. Happiness is not always the next destination nor holiday or birthday.
**some quotes and paraphrases are lyrics courtesy of Redemption by Dawn