I woke up this morning back sore: upper right side in pain. I didn’t do anything to strain myself that I normally wouldn’t do. Normal daily routine: some sort of corporate or personal work, working out, if I’m staying home get very drunk and have sex with multiple people; if I am leaving the house, drink just enough so I can operate a motor vehicle, but make a drink to take and drink on the road. I went to a sex party Sunday to fill holes and voids. Though the poundings to and fro where good, nothing was back breaking.
Before I left the house, I watched BET’s Being Mary Jane marathon. One of the episode’s openings popped up in my head as I felt the sharp and radiating pain in my back. Pacing in her apartment, as they often show, making a Johari Window, Mary Jane was Erykah Badu’s proverbial bag lady trying to unpack all her shit. I don’t do self-deprecating, quite frankly it’s tacky. I do, however, take pride in being self-aware; perhaps this is why part of my Saturday was ruined.
This past Saturday, I finally went white water rafting; it is an activity I’ve said I wanted to do for the past two summers (if not more). There were hiccups of people not being on time causing us to leave late, which in turn makes for a frantic and flustered car ride to the destination. I went with friends and it was an attempt to surprise someone that I care about. Though, I plea to stay single, I do miss sharing special moments with one special person. I had an attitude because of the tardiness; to put it in perspective this was a trip that an instructor takes you on and this was my second time trying to go in as many weeks. The first time, I fucked up and the business was nice enough to work with me and not make me pay again. The tardiness gave us an hour and a half to make a two hour trip; so, reasonably I was upset. My special someone was making jokes at my expense, upon seeing me not crack a smile he proceeds to say “You know you can’t joke with Stefano; he’s bipolar.” It’s a joke he’s repeatedly made over the course of a year knowing me, and it’s a joke I’ve never cracked a smile or laughed about.
There is something wrong with me, and I know it. Whether it’s just emotions I have to work through or it’s a mental illness I’ve yet to be diagnosed with, I know something is not right. I’ve tried to going to therapy/counseling before, but never stuck with it. Tried to talk to people who I think may be the root of an emotional issue, I was dismissed. My only haven and perpetual love has been the sex and drugs.
His comment was the last time I could take it, though I bottled it up for that trip, I exploded that night. I’m not sure what set me off, (no excuse) but one fish bowl, two shots of Patron, four long islands, and a swig or two from a small tequila bottle I had in my car later and in an instant I went from restroom stall sex, tootsie-rolling to TLC’s Creep and, performing my own tone deaf karaoke rendition of Alanis Morsette’s You Oughta Know to storming out the bar (tab pad) and putting my hands on him.
I’ve replayed it over in my mind, what I can remember. What I remember most about that night is that it’s a pattern. I once thought my ex-boyfriends were the problem, but it looks like it is me.
After phone, text, and face to face conversations he’s offered to help me unpack my baggage. I’m a fool; I said know. I don’t feel like anyone should have to deal with my problems; we all have our own. Though, I pause and hold my breath and I my heart hurts, I think that this is what everyone wants: someone that says, “I’ll help you unpack your baggage.” I can’t accept the help; I feel it’s futile.